How could no one tell me?

Today I saw my friend Suzanne and her uber adorable 3-year-old Ruby. Even Kevin liked Ruby, even before he decided he might like a kid if it sprang from my loins. Ruby's that cute.

While Ruby threw sticks down the slide at the park near my house, Suzanne gave me some of the mommy lowdown. For instance: Diaper bags--unnecessary! Any bag will do.

Excellent; good to know. I'll be picking a more fashionable one now. Thank you!

At some point, I mentioned how my plan was to have 7 to 10 onesies (what else does a newborn need?) for Lyric. And that we could go to the laundromat once a week.

Get this: Apparently, the little demon is going to require 3 to 5 changes of clothing a day! Per DAY! I didn't change that often when I was in high school. WTF? That's 21 to 35 outfits a week. Who the hell has time to feed, diaper, AND change the cothes of another human this many times each day. I'm still stunned.

And I'm really questioning the $80 a month diaper service I just signed up for...what's the point if the clothes get trashed anyway?

I can't believe no one mentioned this. So now I'm investigating portable washers for my kitchen that can't possibly accomodate one now that I bought a useless kitchen cart/island thing.

Sigh. And I don't even want to think about what the hell is going to be coming out of that kids bottom half that can eat through a diaper AND a diaper wrap AND ruin her outfit five times a day.

Oh, apparently it gets better.

Projective poop. That's right. I won't even say it again.

I could barely even bring myself to tell poor Kevin, who is skeeved out by, well, anything human-biology oriented. He does fine with the cats. And with sex. Separately of course. But projectile....jesus.

So I Google this phrase, because frankly, I now think Suzanne has some sort of devil child in Ruby, her projectile pooping offpsring.

And I get: many, many results. The first one was an excellent headline from Metro Dad: "If the Foo Shits, Wear it!"

Good work MetroDad! He also mentions something called Total Ass Explosion, but I had to stop reading before I ended up looking for someone to adopt my fetus.

And then, second in my Google results list, was this bulletin board entry:

I just wanted to remind everyone of this happening. I was changing Angele's diaper cuz she pooped. Wiped once, went to wipe again, and got the shot of my life!!! TALK ABOUT PROJECTILE POOP!!! IT WAS EVERYWHERE!! LOL!! IT WAS SOOO FUNNY!!! MY DH & I WERE BOTH LAUGHIN OUR BUTS OFF!! Angele, of course, just lied there like no big thing...SO, BEWARE OF YOUR LO DOING THIS!!! -- Popkissmama

Ok, first off, Popkissmama, can I tell you how much people HATE CAPITAL LETTERS. And also people who write LOL AFTER EVERY SENTENCE. Stop laughing outloud so much, it's obnoxious.

And let me add, Popkissmam, how I personally loathe the Mommy Blogger need to write DH (dear husband) instead of "husband" and LO (little one) instead of "baby. DH, frankly, is very passive-aggressive sounding. Seek therapy. And LO? Come on, "baby" is too long a word to be bothered with?

But most of all, Popkissmama, it was not funny. It was not LOL at all, in fact. Not even lol.

Again, I say, how could no one have told me about this? I'm still....christ, I can't believe I have only 40 days left to live in a house without fear of projectile shitting.