From Zero to Holy !@#% in 30 seconds

Though I've been pregnant for nearly forever, at 29.5 weeks I'm technically only 10 days into my third trimester. For the last month all I've grown is A) larger and B) tired of being pregnant.

As for "A," my doctor confirmed this morning that yes, I look immense for my stage, and then demonstrated via a bit of drumming on my belly that the upper half of my inflated midsection is ... air. It was actually very amusing, and somewhat of a relief--so long as I deflate postnatally.

As for "B," my husband expressed it well this morning, after seeing me next to another third-trimesterer in the hospital elevator. "Wow, you all look the same," he said, and then mimicked an expression best be described as "I am really fucking sick of this. Sigh."

It's not so bad for me, really, except for the part where I can't walk anywhere, including around the grocery store or to the bathroom at work, without having to sit (on the floor) and rest while my heart and breathing return to normal. I'm past most of the paranoia and worrying, past caring that I'm a chubby-faced heffer who wears the same 8 things over and over again. Those are mere incidentals.

But the not-walking-anywhere thing is just a drag. "Want to go lunch?" people ask. "Sure, so long as it's within 50 feet of where we are standing right now! Doesn't that sound fun!!"

Then there's being 100% uncomfortable about 60% of the time...and 50% uncomfortable the rest of the time. It's only going to get worse for the next 10 to 12 weeks, right?

NOPE! It's going to get worse for only the next 7 weeks. This morning the doc scheduled my c-section for May 31....even though Lyric isn't due until June 25. In seconds I went from "Please, get this little thing out of me!" to "God, don't let her out, I'm not ready yet!"

Ready for what, I have no idea. But I haven't even told the cats about her yet. They won't be pleased.For those worried about Lyric missing that last month of her in-utero rock-n-roll lifestyle, CNN assures me that by week 36, she's pretty much fully baked. They'll do a pre-surgery amniocentesis to confirm her little lungs are all ready to go, and if they're not, we'll wait a few days until they are.

But as of now, I expect to have full-on mini-me around 24/7 for the next couple of decades, starting at 5pm PST, on May 31. Not to scare myself or anything.

When Lyric grows up, I hope she studies

And if she doesn't study, I hope she's at least as funny as these kids are ... but funny with intent, of course. Not just so dumb that it's funny.

You know you're really pregnant when...Part II

...when you are sitting at your desk, mousing away with your right hand, a half watermelon on your lap, and a knife in your left hand.

And no one says anything when they walk by.No, it's not slices of watermelon. It's not cubes of watermelon. There's a half of a watermelon fighting with my in-utero fetus to dominate my lap space.

This has nothing to do with being pregnant

It's from my mama and it's a weirdly accurate "test" from an orthopedic surgeon:

1. While sitting at your desk, in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

Try it again.

Try it again...

You know you're really pregnant when...

...when waiting for a prescription at Walgreens, you cannot wait 15 minutes for lunch, and instead buy and inhale something to eat from the Walgreens cooler.

And that something is an egg salad sandwich in a disposable plastic box.Did I mention it was from a Walgreen's cooler?

And it seemed excellent. I'm sure it wasn't.

Just to raise the gross-out factor another notch, I washed it down with a "Cappuccino Delight Slim Fast." Mmmmmh.