File under: Careful what you wish for

When I first considered baby-makin', and for the first few months of baby-buildin', I worked pretty hard to figure a way to find a great doctor who would be pro "elective C-section" and also make me feel like s/he had my best interests at heart. (In my own heart, I figured c-sections were probably a bad idea if not medically necessary. But I also didn't care; i wanted one ,and I wanted someone smart to tell me that was a fine choice.)

Why did I want one so bad? Birth simply seems horribly unpleasant. Important, sensitive parts are left mangled. And I dont like surprises. Or pain. Pick one.

I tend to the first: Birth is icky.

Then at my first ultrasound, I was diagnosed with placenta previa, which equals C-section, but which could easily correct itself. No one made it sound scary, so there was hope for a little surgical out for me.

At the second ultrasound, I still had the previa. Then they said she was was transverse (laying sideways instead of head down). This explain why, for a while, i looked so very "wide."

At my third ultrasound, I was still previa'd. Then they said she'd also moved from sideways breech. Breech + Previa = Definite c-section, because you can't try to coax a fetus to flip around without risking ripping off the placenta. Whoops!

(I doubt she would have complied with any requests for repositioning. I know her, and she's stubborn). Her breech position also further explains my inability to breathe -- her baby head is wedged in my right lung. The fun continues.

At my fourth and final ultrasound, she was practically standing straight up, like she was gonna walk right out the front door. I then learned that I not only have placenta previa, but that it's a double-sided placenta (neat!? no.), which isn't totally weird but weird enough for me. I also learned that I have excessive amniotic fluid (which further explains my giant belly and my inability to breath), a condition that exacerbates the risks of the previa.

So, it seems little Lyric has had HER heart set on a csection since Day One, because we've got just about every medical reason available for no babies to be exiting this body via the established tunnel system. Sheesh, she kind of went overboard though. Just like mommy---she does nothing half way.

So now, I'm just plain worried. This is a lot for the doctor to have to pay attention to at one time. I keep reading about the frequency of c-section hemorraging. I read about how excessive amniotic fluid could mean she's not swallowing like she should. I read how even with a c-section, the breech position isn't a good way to come out.

I know, I shouldn't read. But as mentioned, I don't like surprises.

What I like even less are the the lectures, wagging of fingers, citing of statisics, and shaking of heads I get from so-called feminists, granola-crunchers, men, and other people who assume I am having that unnecessary csection I'd quietly wanted, that I am avoiding the "realness" that is natural birth, and that am somehow wimping out.

It is necessary. It's . And I wish I was just wimping out, as planned.