Baby heads

I admit it, I hardly read the famed "What to Expect" book, recommended by 3.5 billion mothers-to-be and handed down to me from a very sweet co-worker. By the time I got it, I felt like I mostly knew what to expect and that I'd look up anything unexpected as it arose. It was kind of boring and I am a loyal patient of Dr. Google.

I've also read the first half of the first Touchpoints book, which is very good, but after I hit Chapter 9: Month 9 of infanthood, I found I could't remember anything from Weeks 1 through 12, so what was the point?

Harder to admit is what I have read. That is, among other fairly inane things, "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy, of Playboy, boobjob, MTV, and Jim Carey fame. I read it right after I got pregnant, I think, assuming it would be at least mildly entertaining, which it was, and take 10 minutes to read, which it did.

About 6 of those 10 minutes, however, were horrifying. Had I read it pre-bun-in-oven, I'd likely be 40 pounds lighter and windsurfing right now, as I most assuredly would not be pregnant.

McCarthy (not me, the taller one) must have had every ailment in the What to Expect book, including the freakish ones, like having her ribs constantly pop out and have to be reinserted by her doctor.

WTF?

Well, that was a hell of a long wind-up for what ultimately I wanted to say today, which is:
GOD I WISH MY RIBS WOULD POP OUT.

This baby's giant head is wedged firmly inside my right rib cage. I can't lay down and breathe at the same time. I can't sit up without leaning to the left to give her head some space. Obviously, I can't sleep. And frankly, it hurts a little. Constantly. I think I should just name her Relentless.

Can I go 5.5 more days without laying down, sleeping, or breathing full breaths?

Speaking of baby heads, I just did a Baby Sock and Baby Hat inventory (because this is who I am now....Teensy Clothes Counting Lady) and I report that friends and relatives have given the fetus 18 hats. That's right, 18 fetus hats.
How's a newborn to survive with only 18 tiny hats? (Especially when shes' been wearing mommy's ribcage as a hat, day and night, for months.) Guess we'll have to go buy more this weekend.